Typically we see forgiveness as an act where we accept the actions someone has done and let the other party "off the hook." We have been told that forgiveness makes everything go back to "the way it was" and that it cleans the slate. Unfortunately, with this version of forgiveness, it can be challenging to accept the actions of others.
Forgiving isn't about making someone else feel better but about helping yourself. When you forgive, it is about letting go of the hurt, pain, and anger you have been carrying around. It is about accepting that what had happened is in the past but acknowledging that the relationship may be changed and altered.
Forgiveness is a choice. It is something you can control and actively decide. However, before you forgive, you must experience your emotions healthily.
Emotions are a tool your body uses to tell you something is wrong. Therefore, reflecting on why the emotion has appeared is sometimes essential.
After reflecting, ask yourself if you can let go of the anger and pain. Then, if you are prepared, have a conversation expressing what you felt, tell them you forgive them, let go of the anger, and, if necessary, set some personal boundaries.
Sometimes, you will have to forgive others without them present and assess the situation to see what position fits best.
Remember, it is your choice to hold onto emotions or explore them, learn from them, and move on.
For example:
Your friends go out for lunch without you, and you've found yourself overwhelmingly upset. Take this time to ask yourself why this bothers you, and when you've found the reason ask yourself why again; this can lead you down a rabbit hole of self-discovery. The conversation you have may look like this.
" I recognize that I am not happy. What am I feeling?" - Take time to identify the emotion.
"I am angry. I know I am angry because my friends went to lunch without me. Why does this bother me so much?" - Take time to reflect.
" It bothers me because this isn't the first time it has happened. I feel like maybe they don't want me around." Reflect again.
"This bothers me because I try so hard for people to like me. Others need to have a good opinion of me." Ask yourself where this need comes from; what emotions are you experiencing now?
Speak with your friends openly " I know this sounds weird but what happened bothered me, and I forgive you guys, but I think I need to distance myself for now."